Coming to terms with the assault of someone you care for:
It is normal for the family and friends of a person who has been sexually assaulted to feel distressed and confused. Naturally you will want to help the person you care about through this crisis - but you could also be dealing with a crisis of your own. NSW Rape Crisis Centre operates 24 hours a day. You can call to talk to a counsellor about sexual assault, to get support for yourself, or to find out about how to support your friend or family member.

Common reactions
Why couldn't she tell me?
You may have found out about the attack from the police or by reading a report in the newspaper, not from the victim. You may find out about the rape some time afterwards. If so, you may well feel hurt that she didn't tell you earlier, or shocked that others already know about the sexual assault.

It's important to understand that it takes a lot of courage to talk to people about being raped. Victims may feel a sense of humiliation and violation. They may also find it difficult to relive their experience by telling about it again and again. They may feel social pressure not to tell anyone because some people still wrongly believe that the victim must somehow have contributed to the rape.

Someone close to us is the offender
If it is a friend or other family member who is the offender, you may well find that you are more shocked about the rape than if the offender had been a stranger. You may also find it hard to believe that it has happened. In fact, most sexual assaults are committed by someone close to the victim: family, friends and acquaintances.

Confusion and conflict
It is common and natural to feel confusion and conflict when someone you care about has been raped.

While you may want to resolve this crisis quickly because you feel disturbed or confused, remember that it's common for people to experience the effects of sexual assault for weeks, months or years.

Don't blame the victim
People who express anger at a victim of sexual assault unfairly hold her responsible for what has happened. Society in general often blames women for rape. You may hear people express myths about rape, such as "she must have done something to encourage him". See our factsheet on these "Myths & Realities" so that you can think about your own reactions. Are you helping to perpetuate her feelings of fear, anger, confusion, guilt or powerlessness?

Talking to children about the rape
If there are children in your family or close to you, they may either know or sense that something has happened. It is important that they receive help and support too. It's better to help them understand the facts, rather than allow them to imagine something dreadful and inaccurate. They should also be given the opportunity to deal with their feelings.

Giving support: what you need to know
If someone tells you she has been sexually assaulted, it's important to listen to her story and let her know that you believe her. Let her express how she feels in her own way. She may need to cry, or simply sit in silence.

It's also important that you let her know you understand and you care. If you don't know the answer to something, it's okay to say, "I don't know, let's find the answer together".

Let her know you respect her privacy, and that what she tells you is confidential. When someone has been raped, their trust in others has been violated and things have been taken out of their control. It's important for her to have control over her story - she is the one who decides who to tell, and how much to tell. She also has the right not to tell. She may not want to tell other friends and family members.

It's important to recognise that listening to someone who has had a traumatic experience is not easy. You may need to take time out to take extra care of yourself, spend time with friends and family, find a physical release such as exercise, yoga or meditation, or become involved in social action.

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