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Does Anyone Know How I Feel?

The experience of sexual assault is different for everyone. No-one knows just how they are going to react. It's like any other major shock or trauma, like a car accident, or a war. There can be all sorts of short-term and long-term effects. Whatever your reactions, they are normal-normal responses to the emotional and physical violation of sexual assault.

Remember

• It wasn't your fault. No one asks to be sexually assaulted.
• Sexual assault is the only crime where victims sometimes get treated as if they are guilty in some way.
• Rape is not about sex or lust. It's about aggression, humiliation and power.
• Men should stop making sexual advances when women say no.
• Rape is not always a matter of physical force. A woman may feel emotionally pressured into sex when she doesn't want it because:
  • she feels it's her duty
  • she wants to protect the family and keep the peace
  • she's afraid she'll be punished somehow, perhaps by rejection or physical violence, if she doesn't.

Rape is a violent act of domination and humiliation.

Common feelings and reactions: how you may feel
After an experience like this, you may feel:

• frightened, powerless and shamed
• vulnerable, especially if you were afraid you were going to be killed
• as though you've lost control over your life
• shocked and unbelieving.

Or you may not have any of these feelings. Whatever you feel, that's OK.
There is no 'correct' response to rape.

How have other people reacted to rape?
You may find it helps to know how other people have reacted to being raped. Some reactions are:

• Emotional: I cry all the time for no reason.
• Shock: I'm numb. Why am I so calm? Why can't I cry?
• Disbelief: Did it really happen? Why me?
• Embarrassment: What will people think? How can I tell my family?
• Shame: I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me now. I want to wash all the time.
• Guilt: I must have done something to make this happen to me. If only I hadn't...
• Depression: How am I going to go on? I feel so tired and hopeless.
• Powerlessness: I'll never feel in control again.
• Disorientation: I can't sit still. I'm having trouble getting through the day. I'm just overwhelmed.
• Blocking out: I get drunk so I won't remember. If I get high, I don't feel a thing.
• Dissociation: I seem to be daydreaming a lot. Half the time I don't hear what people are saying to me.
• Re-triggering: I keep having flashbacks. I can't stop them.
• Denial: Was it really rape? I'm OK. I'll be alright.
• Fear: What if I get pregnant? What if I get AIDS? Can people tell what's happened to me? Am I going crazy? I'm scared all the time. Will I ever get over this? Will I ever want to have sex again?
• Anxiety: I'm a nervous wreck. I can't breathe properly.
• Anger: I want to kill him!

How you may react
Your lifestyle may be disrupted by the experience of sexual violence. You may:
· find it hard to concentrate
· feel you need to change jobs or move house
· be depressed, have nightmares or lose your appetite
· try using alcohol or drugs to block out your feelings
· be afraid to be alone
· be afraid of being in crowds.
These are all common reactions.

Guilt
Sexual assault is the only crime in which victims are often treated as though they were the ones to blame-so you may feel guilty or blame yourself, especially if you know the person who attacked you. You may feel guilty because you didn't foresee or stop the assault.

Taking action
However you feel, it's important:

• to understand your own feelings, if you can;
• to realise that you're probably not the first person who has felt like this;
• to know that there are things you can do to help you through.

Feeling you're in control of your life is important too. Making decisions about seeing a doctor, getting counselling, talking to friends, or reporting the crime for example, can help you get back some of the control you may feel was taken from you.

Getting help
You may want to talk to somebody but don't know who to trust. Who will really listen? Who will believe you? Who won't blame or judge? Getting back to normal living can take a long time, and you may wonder if there is anyone who can help.

Many women have found it helpful to talk to sexual assault counsellors. They are specially trained and are sensitive about the things you may be feeling. They will give you support and help you with your decisions about what to do.

You can call the NSW Rape Crisis Centre to talk to a crisis counsellor, or to get a referral to your local sexual assault service, 24 hours a day.