If you were sexually abused in childhood you may have been deeply affected in many ways. Despite this, survivors have many strengths and resources to help them overcome these effects.

Surviving Child Sexual Abuse
Survivors have reported that as children they had to 'be strong' and 'show no fear'. They had to 'keep all their emotions bottled up'. One survivor said she had to 'put on a mask' and 'didn't even know who I was anymore'. Another said that she felt hatred for her parents who were abusing her. 'That was the main emotion that kept me alive.' Survivors have reported that they hid a lot as children: 'We hid in cupboards, in the chook pen', 'we hid in a fantasy world'. The behaviours and strategies that children develop in order to resist and survive the abuse can continue to affect them in their adult lives.

Common effects and feelings
Emotional isolation
A feeling of being in a bubble, 'not normal'. Children who are abused can be very emotionally isolated. The abuser can force the child to keep the abuse a secret, and the child may worry about what will happen to the family if the secret is told. The burden of the secret can be carried into adulthood. The carrying of the secret, and the fact of the abuse, can make you feel different and apart from others, not like a 'normal' person from a 'normal' family.

Self-blame and guilt
'A sign on me saying "This is a bad person"'. As a child you may have thought that you were to blame for the abuse. You may have felt that the abuse was punishment for something you had done wrong. The abuser may, in fact, have told you that this was the case. Children usually assume that adults, who are in a position of authority, are right. The guilt and shame felt by the child can persist into adult life.

Betrayed trust
As an abused child your trust was betrayed-perhaps by someone trusted by the family, or even by a parent. When this happens it can be difficult to trust again. It can be difficult as an adult to trust in yourself, as well as to trust others.

Experiencing 'triggers'
If you were sexually abused in childhood there may be things that bring back or 'trigger' memories. These include not only obvious things like childbirth, Pap smears or the way your partner touches you sexually, but also everyday things such as colours, kinds of furniture or vehicles, sounds, or smells, which bring back memories or feelings associated with the abuse.

Challenges for adult survivors
Relationships
Abused children are forced to do what adults want. The adult's wants come before the child's needs. The child has also been charged with keeping the abuse secret at their own expense, to protect their family. As a result of this kind of training, adult survivors may feel they have to put the needs of others above their own: 'I feel protective of others, and over-responsible'. In relationships, there may be problems asserting yourself. This may be with friends, partners, relatives and the people you work with. Some survivors have problems in sexual relationships: sex and physical contact may recall the circumstances of the abuse.

Anger
Some adult survivors report problems with anger. It may be anger that is hard to direct-anger against fate, or God. You may feel angry with yourself for not being able to stop the abuse, angry with the abuser, or angry with parents or care givers for not protecting you.

Depression
Some adult survivors report depression as a symptom of abuse. Research shows, in fact, that depression is the most frequently reported symptom (Berliner & Elliot, "Sexual abuse of children", in Briere et al (eds), The APSAC handbook on child maltreatment, 1996).

Fear, anxiety, and being 'always on guard'
Fear and anxiety are normal responses to trauma-so is the feeling of needing to be on guard against possible danger. Researchers have found that survivors of sexual abuse are up to five times more likely to be diagnosed with at least one anxiety disorder than other people (Saunders et al, "Child sexual assault as a risk factor for mental disorder among women: a community survey", in Journal of Interpersonal Violence 7, 1992).

Self-harming, addictive, compulsive and suicidal behaviours
Many survivors develop strategies to avoid overwhelming feelings and memories and the pain associated with them including:

• eating problems, including starving, bingeing, vomiting food, or overeating
• sexual difficulties, including avoidance of sex, promiscuity, or experiencing fear and 'flashbacks'
• being a 'workaholic', over exercising, or other compulsive behaviours
• engaging in self-harm, including cutting and burning one's arms, legs, genitals or other parts of the body
• repeatedly thinking about wanting to die.

Seeking counselling may be one way to find alternative strategies for working through the pain, memories and other impacts of abuse. You can call NSW Rape Crisis Centre's 24-hours crisis telephone counselling lines for assistance.

Fear that I'll become an offender
Some people believe that someone who was sexually abused as a child will grow up to become a child abuser themselves. This can lead to constant self-questioning and anxiety about being near children.

There is no basis for this belief; no link has ever been established between abuse in childhood and later becoming an offender.

Traumatic amnesia
A child who was unable to tell anyone about the abuse, or told but wasn't believed, is under great pressure to deal with the abuse by themselves in other ways. Some survivors have experienced traumatic amnesia or delayed recall of memories of child sexual abuse. Traumatic amnesia is a particular response of the brain that prevents a child from having any conscious recall of the abuse. It is associated with extreme emotional trauma and has been documented by researchers in relation to a wide variety of traumatic events, not just child sexual abuse. One study found that traumatic amnesia was more likely to occur in child sexual abuse survivors if:

• the abuse took place when the child was very young
• the child feared death if they told anyone
• the abuse was associated with physical injury
• there was more than one abuser. (Briere & Conte, "Self-reported amnesia for abuse in adults molested as children", in Journal of Traumatic Stress 6, 1993).

Women who were abused as children
The effects of child sexual abuse are further strengthened for girls and women by what can be called 'gender training'-the way women are seen in our culture. Guilt, powerlessness and being there for others are promoted by a wide range of social and cultural practices which blame women and girls for sexual violence, suggest women are responsible for maintaining relationships and moral standards and encourage women to be passive and dependent on others (Dympna House Info Kit, 1998).

Healing
There is an assumption in society that people who have been sexually abused in childhood are 'damaged' and not capable of living a normal life. On the contrary, survivors manage to live their lives and succeed in a range of professions and in all strata of society. In doing so they show great strength and courage. Despite the impacts of child sexual assault, adult survivors resist the effects of the abuse in many ways, and find strategies to help with healing.

Getting help
If you have decided that it's time to get some support to heal from the impacts of the abuse, or are trying to support someone else in their healing, NSW Rape Crisis Centre operates a 24 hour crisis telephone counselling and referral service. Also, see our fact sheet on "Choosing a Counsellor".

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