You may have mixed feelings about telling your friends and family. You may feel extremely sensitive about how the important people in your life will respond.

Perhaps you need to talk your feelings out, and they don't seem to be able to listen.

Perhaps you need to make your own decisions about reporting the assault or getting help, and they want to make them for you.

Perhaps your partner is pressuring you for more physical intimacy than you want when you just need to be comforted.

Common reactions of family and friends
They may ask questions that show they don't understand what it was like. They may seem to think you are somehow to blame. They may react in ways that reflect common myths about rape, because that's all they know.

Even though most of them will try to be supportive and do their best to help, you may find what they do and say frustrating. They may put pressure on you to act or think in particular ways. They may:

• urge you to report the rape before you've had a chance to think about it
• see rape as a sex crime rather than as a crime of power and violence
• blame you
• blame themselves
• think if they don't talk about feelings the feelings will go away
• push you into seeking help or hospitalisation when you just need someone to understand how you feel
• feel angry, or guilty, about what has happened
• feel powerless to help.

Self-preservation
It may help if you understand their feelings, but it's not your responsibility to help them cope. Your family and friends can get support from each other, or talk to a counsellor about their feelings and needs. You're the one who's been sexually assaulted, and you need to focus your energies on yourself.

You are the only person who knows what's best for you. It's up to you to choose who to tell, and what to tell. But it's still important to have a support system you can turn to. Family and friends can often provide this.

You are entitled to both support and the freedom to take your time and make your own decisions.

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